Know your enemy
I always remember this great example from my Ancient paths course.
A hubby wants to bless his wife with a lovely outing to Dairy Queen. She puts on some lipstick and perfume and off they go. Chatting happily in the car, enjoying the thought of some one on one time. While they stand in the queue she looks and chooses a banana split. It's been years since she has had one. He smiles at her and asks what she fancies. She says the banana split and he looks up at the price and says " my goodness that's gotten expensive now." He thinks he is merely making an observation about how long it is since they were last there or the price increase due to inflation.
She internalises that she isn't worth it. That he doesn't want to spend that amount on her.
So she retaliates with a comment about how tight he is and how he is always like that...
He is befuddled and reminds her of how hard he works to provide for her and maybe even the last thing he bought for her or one of the children.
But there are tears in her eyes now and the moment is ruined. She doesn't even want anything from him anymore. Cheapskate.
So whose intention was it that their special time out would end in harsh words and hurt feelings?
Not his - he wanted to treat her and spend time with her.
Not hers - she wanted a nice banana split that she hadn't had to make herself or clean up afterwards.
In this scenario it becomes easy to blame our partners for the argument. But who planned it?
The answer is that the enemy did.
Neither of them planned it, nor can really understand how it happened.
Battle lines are drawn and the drawbridges pulled up. Silence reigns and feelings are hurt.
Recognise the fingerprints of satan in the miscommunication and instead of reacting and defending/attacking. Decide to step back and say "when you said XYZ it made me feel ABC".
When you said the price has gone up it makes me feel that I am not worth the increased price."
This allows your spouse to say that wasn't what he meant at all and gives him the space to explain and hopefully gives you the grace to hear his heart.
Know your enemy - it usually isn't your partner - even when it feels like it.
A hubby wants to bless his wife with a lovely outing to Dairy Queen. She puts on some lipstick and perfume and off they go. Chatting happily in the car, enjoying the thought of some one on one time. While they stand in the queue she looks and chooses a banana split. It's been years since she has had one. He smiles at her and asks what she fancies. She says the banana split and he looks up at the price and says " my goodness that's gotten expensive now." He thinks he is merely making an observation about how long it is since they were last there or the price increase due to inflation.
She internalises that she isn't worth it. That he doesn't want to spend that amount on her.
So she retaliates with a comment about how tight he is and how he is always like that...
He is befuddled and reminds her of how hard he works to provide for her and maybe even the last thing he bought for her or one of the children.
But there are tears in her eyes now and the moment is ruined. She doesn't even want anything from him anymore. Cheapskate.
So whose intention was it that their special time out would end in harsh words and hurt feelings?
Not his - he wanted to treat her and spend time with her.
Not hers - she wanted a nice banana split that she hadn't had to make herself or clean up afterwards.
In this scenario it becomes easy to blame our partners for the argument. But who planned it?
The answer is that the enemy did.
Neither of them planned it, nor can really understand how it happened.
Battle lines are drawn and the drawbridges pulled up. Silence reigns and feelings are hurt.
Recognise the fingerprints of satan in the miscommunication and instead of reacting and defending/attacking. Decide to step back and say "when you said XYZ it made me feel ABC".
When you said the price has gone up it makes me feel that I am not worth the increased price."
This allows your spouse to say that wasn't what he meant at all and gives him the space to explain and hopefully gives you the grace to hear his heart.
Know your enemy - it usually isn't your partner - even when it feels like it.
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